On Thursday, March 3^rd, 2011 my wife phoned me with the unexpected and devastating news that a wonderful young man who was a congregant of ours had just passed away. We decided that I had to make sure that the full set of proper Jewish customs was observed to honor his body. This is often a difficult task, as Sacramento, CA, is not as equipped to handle these customs as cities in the New York area.

I immediately jumped into my car and drove through the dark California night to a time-worn hospital that squats at the edge of Sacramento’s residential mid-town district. Memories of Ilan began flooding my mind. I recalled the times he spent helping us cook (one of his favorite pastimes), his beautiful voice leading the shabbat services and special Carlebach havdalot, and the time he spent the day before sukkot helping me to roll out large bamboo mats, so our community would have a place to eat the next day.

While traveling, I spoke with Ilan’s father, Dr. Aharon Tokayer, and he and I shared our fears that such an unexpected passing would, unfortunately, due to medical concerns, delay the important commandment of burying the deceased as soon as possible. Aharon said that he would arrive around noon on the next day, Friday, which is, of course, a very difficult time to hope to make major plans, especially those that involve transportation by car. I shared with him the difficult news that outside of major Jewish communities it often takes several days to receive the proper documentation to commence a funeral. Fortunately, all of our concerns were soon non-issues.

I parked and dashed into the emergency room, where I was greeted by a visibly shaken, yet still very attentive nurse named Jeremy. Jeremy sat me down and explained what had happened. Ilan had simply passed away. He had been taken from us and there seemed to have been no clear out-of-the-ordinary cause for this out-of-the-ordinary occurrence. Virtually the entire nursing staff crowded around and shared with me how much this event had broken their hearts. As I was handed Ilan’s eyeglasses, watch, and iPhone tears began streaming down my cheeks.

I explained to Jeremy that I needed to say some prayers with Ilan and that the Jewish custom is to have someone with the deceased until the moment of burial. I knew full well that in all of my months as a rabbi I was never given permission to stay downstairs with the deceased and that the chances of even going down there were slim to none.

Much to my surprise, Jeremy immediately took me downstairs so I could say some prayers with Ilan. When Jeremy witnessed Hebrew prayers for the first time, he immediately asked me to enlighten him about what I was saying. I shared a tearful teaching that centered around the concept that the disconnection of the body and soul does not fully happen until burial, and that the soul is not fully “settled” until the body is at full rest in the Earth. Jeremy promptly arranged with the hospital staff that a special room in a totally unrelated part of the hospital be arranged for full Jewish customs to be observed. I was ushered into the room by the head nurse and given the indescribable honor of guarding and praying for Ilan from 9 pm Thursday night until noon the next day.

2.

The next morning, another miracle occurred: Ilan did not have to stay for multiple days in the hospital, as many are relegated to in our locale. Ilan could go free the next day and receive a funeral and burial without undue delay. With intervention from rabbis and their special contact in the coroner’s office in Los Angeles, the government office in Sacramento agreed to expedite its process, even on the weekend.

In my opinion, it was not simply the pulling of strings that caused this miracle; it was Ilan’s father’s passion and determination to get Ilan the proper treatment that he deserved, regardless of what locale Ilan was in. Dr. Tokayer networked, called, and was clearly the impetus for the many forms of communication that reached the government offices and influenced the decision. This included several desperate pleas to the authorities to treat Ilan’s body with honor and respect. This request was honored as much as was legally possible.

When Dr. Tokayer arrived with his brother, they took responsibility for overseeing Ilan’s proper treatment. Along with my wife, we met the medic who attempted to revive Ilan and he shared with us the shock and anguish that he and his crew felt around this tragedy. That night, Dr. Tokayer and his brother partook in a meaningful shabbaton with us, where Dr. Gerald Schroder and I dedicated the special lectures and learning session to Ilan.

3.

Ilan Yechezkel ben Aharon Ze’ev was a twenty five year old mentsch who came to the humble Jewish community in Sacramento from the formidable Jewish metropolis of Teaneck, NJ. He came to study viticulture and enology from expert winemakers at the University of California at Davis, but he was the one who ended up doing the teaching. With his warm smile and calm mannerisms, he enlightened us with Torah thoughts and brought insights into the normal schmoozes of everyday life.  

If I had to single out one lesson from Ilan’s life, I would say that he embodied the attributes and actions of the biblical Aaron. Ilan Yechezkel loved peace, pursued peace, and brought people close to the Torah. Without exaggeration, I can honestly say that I never once heard Ilan say a negative word about anyone or anything. He cared for the widow, orphan, convert, Gentile, rabbi, rebbitzen, and neighbor with equal love and consideration. We, too, should train ourselves to be ready at all times to supply equal love to all of the people that we encounter. To do so for most of us is difficult, as we don’t prefer all people’s company. To, Ilan it was a pleasure.

Ilan assisted my wife in our NCSY youth group chapter. The students loved him. He was young and hip enough to schmooze about Facebook and sports, yet smart enough to speak with them about their homework and give them math riddles. It’s hard to find someone who is so talented in so many wonderful areas, especially someone who is willing to share and to listen when others are talking.

4.

If Ilan were with us, he would be back this coming week to give our NCSYers another riddle.

If Ilan were with us, he would have sung the havdallah service for us at our shabbaton, with his beautiful voice.

If Ilan were with us, he would be shining Aharon’s light of compassion and care.

Now, we have to shine that light for him.

Ian Bailey

RabbiBailey@gmail.com

I am so pleased but not at all surprised about all the wonderful, warm memories being shared by so many of Ilan’s friends from so many different phases of his remarkable life. In reading all these memories, I  realize that (so far) I get the award and  privilege for knowing Ilan, even though for a short period, for longer than any of you other guys who have been so kind in sharing your memories of Ilan on these pages.

I met Ilan when he was about 2-3 years old, when his Dad Aaron and I were Medical residents together at Albert Einstein in the Bronx. The Shabbat Minyan was in the weekday cafeteria, with Rabbi Neuberger as our Shul Rov, and despite its rather makeshift setting was a very heimish community where Shabbat was very special if we had the good luck to not be on call that day. I started bringing my son Jesse to shul when he was about 1 and still crawling around. Not surprisingly, and apparently a very clear harbinger of the future, the 3 year old Ilan took the 1 year old Jesse under his wing—— I have very vivid memories of Jesse crawling behind Ilan striding up to the platform of the Aron Kodesh. Ilan —— already happy to lead with an admiring follower.

My son Jesse’s middle (English) name is Ilan; neither my wife Lisa nor I have any living or deceased relatives, near or far, named Ilan. We can’t remember when we first thought to name him Ilan but I know that at some point after I met Ilan the name took on a certain irresistable joy and that it influenced us to use the name for our first child.

And by the way, Ilan did not become remarkable in his many special ways by accident. Aaron and Reva were people Lisa or  I might not see for years at a time, but when either one of us would see them it was always as if we had just finished in mid-sentence a day earlier.  I was a resident when Aaron was an intern. When I made rounds with him, I knew I might be home an hour later than ususal, because  he was always concerned that there might be even a very minor point that he may have overlooked in caring for his patients. If some of you knew Ilan as a Talmid Chochom, I can tell you that that’s certainly a gene that his father carries—— even though I was ostensibly the more senior in training, rounding with him was like learning internal medicine Daf Yomi from him. 

Reva’s vivacious hospitality, living in the student and resident housing in the Low Residence Halls was something  so special that made many of us, especially those of us who came to the residency from outside the YU-Einstein community, feel so welcome. We had the great fortune to have been their guests at Shabbat lunches and Reva’s infectious smile and warmth,  and her  endless enthusiasm made us all feel so comfortable and at home. These traits are clearly something that Reva and Aaron passed on to Ilan  and which he carried with him, and shared with so many people who were so lucky and blessed to have have known him.

The Tokayer family has established a foundation in Ilan’s Memory.  Please check out the website www.netailan.com

All are encouraged to contribute any memories about Ilan on the websites “Share Your Memories” page.  

It is with a heavy heart that I pen this week’s newsletter.  A friend, winemaker, true oenophile and incredible individual passed away suddenly last week, way before his time.  I first met Ilan Tokayer a year ago when we both served as judges for the Jewish Week’s first Kosher Wine Guide (the 2nd was released today – see below), speed-tasting our way through almost 200 wines; an “ordeal” that was significantly eased and enhanced by Ilan’s enthusiastic personality and gregarious nature (see here and here).  At the time Ilan was working as assistant wine-maker and mashgiach at City Winery, although shortly thereafter, he left for New Zealand for another harvest / wine-making adventure.  Ever since that time we kept in contact and engaged in various (mostly wine and Israel related) conversations.  His passion, enthusiasm, creativity and strong opinions about the Israeli wine industry and the direction in which it was heading, were always evident and led to many interesting discussions.  This past summer he moved closer to realizing his dream of opening an Israeli, winery and enrolled in the Department of Viticulture and Enology at UC Davis.  Together with a desire to make incredible wine, he was determined to prove thatmevushal wine could be made without harming the wine or its cellaring potential, and was exploring new high-tech machines that would enable the production of mevushal wine of high-quality and longevity which he felt had great promise for the future of kosher wines being served in US restaurants (expensive, but probably easier than convincing the OU to change its policy).  Great things were clearly in the making for this young and exceedingly talented budding wine maker.

While the wine-world had lost an obviously great future wine-maker, and one who would have undoubtedly assisted in taking Israeli wine to the next level, much more importantly – the world at-large has lost a truly inspirational and special individual who touched hundreds of lives around the world and through every stage of his life, myself included (ever for only a relatively short period of time) – Ilan you will be sorely missed.  Baruch Dayan Emet.

Yossie H.

Although I grew up only around the corner from Ilan, I never really had the chance to get to know him, being a couple of years his junior and not being involved in Moshava. We only met face to face on one occasion that I can remember. It was barely a year ago that my family and I were invited to the Tokayer’s for a Friday night meal, on a shabbos that Ilan was home. In just those few short hours I came to see what an incredibly insightful, intelligent, and engaging person Ilan was. He made us all feel so welcome, singling each of us out and drawing us into conversation. The way that he interacted with his mother and father was really beautiful, and I remember thinking at the time that they must be so proud to have such a special son. I hope that his neshama finds a beautiful resting place. I know that klal yisrael has an incredible emissary up there helping us out.

I have been pushing off writing on this blog mainly because when I thought about what I wanted to write, I was suddenly at a loss. When I think of Ilan, a specific memory does not come to mind. Rather, I think about what a loss this is for the world. Ilan and I met on a YU trip to Nicaragua, where I was immediately struck by his intelligence and caring nature. As we got to know each other better I was continuously impressed by everything about him. Even the t-shirts he chose to wear were intriguing.

Ilan and I continued to stay in touch – we spoke about Football (he tried to get me to be the only girl in his fantasy football league, although I opted out), my bad taste in music versus his objectively good taste, and I always used him as a sounding board for my future. Our last conversation was the Monday before he passed. I had accidentally spammed everyone I know with an email containing a saga about being trapped in London and needing money. Ilan Gchatted me saying: How was London? J I responded: Pretty good. Only some minor bumps in the road. Ilan: So I hear.

I remember thinking that I wanted to catch up, but I was headed to a meeting, and figured we would chat another day. In retrospect, I obviously regret thinking that. Over the 2 years that we were friends, I am confident that I learned a lot more from him than he learned from me. Every conversation with him was full of wit, humor, and intelligence.  

At one point I shared with him a link to a list of 1001 books to read before one dies. I was at a shameful 16, and Ilan was up to 26- one of the highest. He was still embarrassed considering he majored in English. I wish I knew how many he added to the list since we last spoke about it. I told him that it would take me until 82 years old to finish the list – he said he could do it by 41.

I mourn the fact that Ilan had so much to offer this world and there was so much he wanted to do in this world. He knew everything because he had a genuine thirst for knowledge – and I’m sad that he never got to explore everything he wanted to. And on a selfish note, I’m sad because I genuinely miss him. Simply put, there is no one else like him.

There was nothing typical about him, and yet everyone felt like they could relate to him. If we are ever scared to do the unexpected or leave our insular circles, we should think of Ilan. He explored and learned from everyone around him, and we should do the same. 

-Adina

I was one of those painfully shy kids.  The kind that wanted nothing more than to blend into the background, but was simultaneously desperate to be noticed.  I met Ilan during the shyest period of my life, and he was one of the few people who was able to draw me out of my shell, but with full respect, without for one millisecond buying into my low self-image.  Just through casual friendly conversation he was able to help me get in touch with my inner spark in a way that very few people could. I never expressed to Ilan how grateful I was for his gentle kindness, and I’m sure he had no concept of the chesed he was doing.  Since then, I have only bumped into him periodically.  Each time I would honestly wonder to myself, is Ilan actually a person or is he an angel in disguise?

The world has lost a great source of light. I only hope that we who survive him can carry on his legacy of pure, sweet goodness.

I’m not sure if I have a specific story that sums up my friendship and bond with Ilan. Like all of us, Ilan has been dominating my thoughts the last few days and I really can’t help but smile when I think of the wonderful time we shared. I met Ilan in YU and more specifically within the confines of Macslive. It was here that Ilan and I kicked off a friendship based on similar tastes, interests, and way too much useless pop culture knowledge. Ilan was, by far, one of the best color commentators I had the privilege to work with. He not only understood the intricacies of the game of basketball but was able to relate them to his listeners with a simplicity and ease that made for a great broadcast. Throw in his humor, wit, and essential knowledge of everything-I found that I often would be caught listening and enjoying his comments even while I was working in the booth with him.  I’ve called many games for Macslive but have found that the majority of the games that I decided to download and save, were the ones I did with Ilan. Where else can you tune into a basketball game to hear the announcers bantering about 1980s baseball players, Jew-fros, and the pros and cons of a 1-3-1 press. Only with Ilan. 

Outside of Macslive, Ilan and I lived in the same apartment building. We watched football together on Sundays, dangerously installed a pool table, and would walk together to the Caf to enjoy the fine YU food. As our friendship developed, we found that, aside from sports, we shared many of the same interests. I have a folder on my computer titled “Ilan’s Pod”-all the music that Ilan has given me over the last few years (a good 20% of my iPod). He would come up to my apartment at all hours to get some TV shows. We would send each other papers and essays we’d written. A particular favorite of mine was one Ilan wrote about the evolution of the American ballpark-still have it. We stayed together in Allentown, PA on a B’nei Akiva Shabbaton and drove together to IO for a National BA Shabbaton-stopping for a shake and a round of mini-golf at Beach Lake along the way. We challenged each other with Sporcle quizzes galore. Testing the other’s knowledge of everything from Literature to Sports to Movies to Music. I’m not ashamed to admit that Ilan beat me most of the time. 

Yes we had much in common but what our friendship boiled down to was a love for sports. Ilan was a passionate, intelligent sports fan and I loved every one of our discussions about any sport. On more than one occasion, Ilan called me to tell me had come across some free tickets to a Knicks or Rangers game-inevitably leading me to sneak sandwiches into MSG so that Ilan and I had some eats for the game. This past football season, I could not make it to my Fantasy draft. I asked Ilan, one of the few I trusted with such a monumental task, to draft for me and he, of course, agreed. When he became tied up the night of the draft, he didn’t let my team fall by the wayside but rather made some calls and had a friend of his draft the team for me-always doing the extra and unnecessary. Over the course of the season, I never submitted a lineup without running it by Ilan first and together we found great success. He won his leagues championship while I fell late in the playoffs. 

The week before he was taken from us, Ilan and I were discussing how he would be in New York during the Sarachek tournament this year and that he was looking forward to getting back in the booth. I’m not sure he knew how excited I and the rest of the Macslvie team were to have him back. 

Ilan was a dear friend. Its been one week and I still feel an incredible emptiness. Knowing that he won’t randomly chime in with a new sporcle quiz, a new song, or just to say hey, fills me with enormous sadness. I miss him terribly. I will always remember and cherish the times we spent together. 

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were in Sacramento for shabbos - a potential job opportunity had brought us there, and we wanted to check out the community before making any decisions.  Not knowing anyone, we were a little nervous, but figured we’d get through it.  We met Ilan within our first few minutes in shul, and realized that Ilan and my husband grew up literally around the corner from one another in Teaneck (though, being two years apart and having gone to different high schools, they had never met).  It seemed pretty obvious within minutes of meeting Ilan that he was one of those people you instantly loved, and hoped that he liked you too - so warm, friendly, welcoming, and easy to talk to.  Etan was privileged to sit next to him at shabbos lunch at the rabbi’s house, and he said he was excited that his parents were coming to visit the following week - his apartment was already clean and ready for them.  For us, the thought of moving across the country is really scary (although seemingly not so much for Ilan!), but when we left the meal, Etan and I said to each other that we knew we would have at least one amazing friend waiting for us (at least for the year he had left at Davis), if we had to move to Sacramento. 

After having met us for just a few hours, Ilan invited us to the Kings basketball game on Saturday night (talk about hachnasat orchim!).  While we got in touch too late to go to the game, my husband and I both left the city of Sacramento knowing that we had found a friend - we looked forward to seeing him and getting to know him more when he came to visit Teaneck.  We are only sorry we did not get to spend more time with this wonderful person.

Baruch Dayan Emet.

Laura and Etan Sugarman

Because Ilan was two years older than me and because I never went to Moshava, I have not been able to remember a specific story about Ilan that sticks out.  However, because of the close relationship between our families and from growing up in the same town, there are small things that I learned from Ilan that I still remember.

For example, yesterday I was studying Gemara with a friend and the word rumor came up, and I remembered that Ilan taught me the word rumor on the school bus when I was in first or second grade.

Also, earlier this week, I was washing a stain out of a pair of pants, and I remembered that it was at Ilan’s bar mitzvah that I got a stain on my clothing and one of my parents’ friends told me that if I would put water on it, the stain would dry clean.  Somehow, I always remembered that I learned that at Ilan’s bar mitzvah.

שנשמע בשורות טובות

Sruli

Ilan’s kindness extended to those who didn’t socialize with often.  I knew Ilan from growing up in Teaneck, and as young adults, we would see each other from time to time.  On the occassions when I would see Ilan, we would fill each other in on what we were up to, and his genuine interest in people made these conversations not empty small talk but real, sincere engagement.  His generous heart and curiosity were rare attributes that made interactions with him uplifting and fulfilling.

-Eitan S.

One of my earliest memories of Ilan was when his Shevet was on a mission to Israel and spent Shabbat in Chashmonaim. I was invited to join the Shabbaton, and on Friday night Ilan led the Tfillah. It was awesome, but what stood out for me was this tune by Yosef Karduner, “Vetaher Libenu”. For those who know this song, it is short and beautiful. For me, it was totally “out of the box”. I wasn’t expecting it. After Davening, I asked him for permission to sing this song when I am Chazzan. Ilan agreed with a huge smile. He looked proud. I rarely sing tunes in Davening that aren’t Carlebach tunes, but from then on for the past 8 years, I have been singing that song every Friday night davening, when I am Chazzan, and I even sing it to myself silently when I am not the Chazzan.

Ilan loved music and it was great to discuss music with him. He was also very positive about music. I rarely heard him criticize the music, and I think he tried to find the good in it all. He was one of the first to support mine and my brothers music, and helped us push forward.

I remember once in our house, he was sitting on the hard drive part of our computer and I kicked him off. I think he just felt very comfortable, which is a memory that makes me smile.

Later on, 3 years ago, we worked together in TVI here in Israel. Ilan was a powerful/yet sensitive Madrich. We had different opinions some times, but it was all for the sake of the kids and for the better of the program. He led the Tisches on Friday nights. He was able to access an amazing side of himself while leading these Tisches. It was the leader side of him. He would get up on tables, jump around, teach songs, in front of the entire camp, and he did it with tremendous confidence. It was almost like he was in a performance on stage, getting everyone in the audience into the experience. He did what he thought was right, and followed through on it.

Thank you for the memories Ilan. You are amazing and have given in your short years, what most people don’t give in a lifetime.

Love, Naftali

I first met ilan on TVI 07 and from then on he was nothing but an inspiration to me.  I remember sitting next to him on a long busride while on a camp trip. I wasn’t in the best mood and my friend fell asleep across two seats, so he offered the seat next to him. We shmoozed for quite a while and he was really amazing, we (ofcourse) got into talking about music and he took out his ipod and went on to show me tons and tons of great great music. Specifically counting crows, considering i only had one of their songs on my ipod and that wasnt going to work. I remember by the end of the busride i just felt better…..cuz when you were around someone like ilan, you just couldnt not be happy, he was just too awesome.

the next year, i had pretty much drifted away from most of my camp friends…..asides from facebook, i had no real contact….. so when my father passed away, i was really not expecting to be contacted by ilan to message me on facebook to check up on me and see how i was doing. I was so blown away about how caring he was and he really helped me out just by letting me know he was there. On that note, if the family needs anything, anything at all, i know they don’t know me but i want to be there for you like he was there for me. 

There is this song by Jimmy Eat World, its called “Hear you me”……and there is one line that i think fits perfectly..

“And if you were with me tonight,
I’d sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn’t let it live.”

he had one of the biggest hearts of anyone ive ever met, and i will carry the thought of him forever and will attempt to live my life with the same amount of love, caring, and understanding that he did.

i wish i could pay a shiva call, but unfortunately it doesnt look like its happening. So i send my deepest condolences to the Tokayer family, and they should know that even though Ilan lived a short life, it was a beautiful one and the footprint he left in the world and in our hearts will never be washed away.

Baruch Dayan Ha’Emet <3

I am still at a loss. Ilan once described serving in the army as shipping off to a foreign planet, traveling through the heavens with the comfort that the years spent in distant transit were only a few days in the lives of loved ones back on earth. Having finally followed his example and enlisted in the IDF, I now know all too well what he was driving at: the small comfort a soldier has in believing his family, friends and passions are all safe and sound and waiting for him to return from his army exodus. I am still in shock. Ilan’s personal warmth and zest for life don’t seem right to be so suddenly limited to memories. Something about his perceptiveness, Ilan’s uncanny ability to appreciate and remember the little moments in other’s lives, gives me small comfort that his loved ones now do the same for him. We were guests one shabbat night by Aron S a few years back when Ilan demonstrated his remarkable perception. Aron asked Ilan, the only guest who knew everyone at the table, to share a story about each person no one else knew. The anecdote he shared about me, from the time we shared in yeshiva, wowed me. Forget about anyone else at the table, I was the one stunned that Ilan noticed something no one else at yeshiva possibly suspected. How he had crafted a chord of our friendship from a part of me I would not have dreamed a person could appreciate. Ilan, so miss ya.

The last time I saw Ilan was at the Rangers Islanders game on December 27^th.  Since he was my madrich on tvii we had many conversations about the Rangers, their past current and what we hoped would come in the future.  To my surprise the night of the game I received a text from Ilan “hey any chance you are at the Rangers game”.   We realized that we were sitting in a similar section of MSG and proceeded to stand up, and look around until we spotted each other and gave each other a big wave.   After the game Ilan joined me and a friend to meet the players and get autographs.  I along with most of the fans who were waiting outside freaked out a bit when seeing Brandon Dubinsky come out, but not Ilan.  Instead he asked Dubinsky where he complemented Dubi on his game and jacket and asking where he could get one, genuinely interested in what Dubinsky had to say.  Ilan was always interested in what people had to say, his friends, his chanichim, and  professional athletes. 

Ilan you will truly be missed, Baruch Dayan Emet